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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377411">this is not goodbye. this is just a kiss before you die</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington/pseuds/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington'>Lord_Byron_Mudkippington</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Live! Sunshine!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Background ChikaYo, Background DiaMari, Background YohaKana, Cheating, Gen, Intervention, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Skinny Dipping, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:08:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377411</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington/pseuds/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>faith full of holes and empty promises are all that they had for you</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>this is not goodbye. this is just a kiss before you die</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS5HW2qvBGE</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's funny in a way, how the person who causes you such grief can save you from the edge of the end. I always wanted to die on the beach. Well, 'always' is a loaded word. I've wanted to die on the beach since I was sixteen, so hopefully that clears things up a bit. The water has always been my home away from home, and it became more of a home than my actual home. I wanted to pay homage to it in a warped sort of way. It felt right to just blow my pathetic brains out and let my body become embraced by the ocean that had always embraced me before. It could carry me out to the great beyond, whatever that might be, on its gentle waves, and my existence wouldn't have to bother anyone ever again.</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>I could feel my phone vibrating in my jeans, right as I had slipped the barrel of my grandfather's old war pistol between my lips. Don't worry, I know it still works. I've gone out shooting with him and my dad, so I've seen it in action. That's the one thing I feel bad about, knowing that his important gun is going to get lost in the ocean. Even if it was recovered, the water damage would be great. If only I could shoot myself, then throw it back onto the sand, but alas, I wouldn't have the cognitive capacity to do so with a hole in the back of my head.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>A sigh escaped my lips, and I wasn't sure if it was in annoyance or relief. I put the gun in my other pocket, leaving the safety off as I fished out my phone. Seeing Dia's face on the screen made me laugh. What brilliant timing. For someone that had become increasingly difficult to get in contact with, she sure called at the most convenient - or inconvenient, perhaps - moment. Shaking my head, I figured it wouldn't hurt to answer and see what was on that pretty little mind of hers.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What's shakin', Dia?" I know that I always seem cool and calm no matter the situation. 'Detached', as Dia once put it derisively. Even I was surprised at how normal my voice sounded, though. I had been maybe ten seconds or so from ending my life, and my voice stayed as stable as ever. It sounded like I was talking about the weather, which was nice and clear, by the way. As far as Dia would ever know, I was just chilling on my dad's couch, watching TV like always.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hello, Kanan. I apologize for the late call, and for it coming so suddenly. If you're not too busy, I was hoping we could meet and catch up. If you're currently engaged, then hopefully we can schedule it for another time." I quirked an eyebrow, thankful that Dia couldn't see it. Even after all the years and the degrees of separation, the memories of her angry, no-nonsense stare had a way of shaking me to my core. The patented Kurosawa Glare only got more potent with age, after all.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"No, I'm free. Where do you wanna meet?" It was surprising to hear that Dia wanted to meet in general. Our conversations had grown sparser as time went on, and I had gotten the feeling that Dia didn't mind things being that way. I tried not to mind it myself. Plus, like she had said, it was awfully late, or at least it was for her. I spent enough nights walking the quiet streets of Uchiura, hoping someone might decide to jump me looking for some cash. While it wasn't my ideal way to die, a robbery gone wrong wouldn't be the worst way to go out. At least then I'd be a real victim.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm staying with my family for the weekend, and I have the key to the shop. It's closed, but I can let us in so we can talk without my parents around." Classic Dia: still caring what her parents thought. I wasn't sure if I blamed her, though. Her father was a stern, imposing-looking man whom I was fairly sure could take my own dad in a fight. Her mom was a pretty sweet lady, but she could bust out that Kurosawa Glare with the best of them. I still remember being hit with that paralyzing stare after horsing around and breaking a vase once.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Sounds good. I'll head over there soon and meet you out front. Thirty minutes okay?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'll be waiting. See you then, Kanan." She hung up, and I held the phone to my ear to listen to the nothingness for a moment. Dia always hung up first. That was something random that I'd noticed, but it wasn't important enough to bring up in conversation. What purpose would it serve, anyway? Did I want her to wait for me to hang up, like it was some sort of contest? Or perhaps for her to listen to my silence long enough to actually ask if something was wrong.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I put my phone away, looking down at my other pocket, where the pistol remained undisturbed. I pulled it out, turning it over in my hands. If I could just put it back in my mouth, I could give the barrel a quick lead blowjob and be done with it. However... The thought of leaving Dia high and dry like that was too much even for me. I could only sigh and pocket the gun again. <em>'You win this time, Dia.'</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>It was time to head home and get ready to face Dia again. I could have just headed straight there from the beach, but I had been standing in the ocean in my jeans, and they weren't exactly comfortable when wet. Plus, what kind of explanation could I give for only the hems being soaked through? So back home I went, cursing at myself as sand clung to my jeans. I probably deserved that, though.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
  <p>I changed my jeans out for shorts and headed over to the Kurosawa fishing shop. It was a familiar route, and the streetlamps bathed my steps in light as I walked past them. Honestly, I couldn't remember the last time I had been there. It was somewhere I had spent so much time at that I could walk there blindfolded, but time had a way of getting the better of us. Besides, Dia spent a lot more time in Tokyo than she did in Uchiura. The little girl who cried because she got lost in the subway system had become quite an adept woman after all, huh? Getting away from me clearly did wonders.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Something in my brain told me to go back home. Even if it was just to flop into bed and sleep the night away, I was getting the feeling that going to talk to Dia wasn't a good idea. It was probably the anxiety, which was funny. I was supposed to be the one without anxiety. Dia always worked herself to the point of a breakdown. Mari had abandonment issues. Chika couldn't keep focused on anything. You struggled with her self-esteem. Ruby was... well, where to even begin with her. It was supposed to be me who was normal up in the ol' cranium. It was kinda disappointing that I ended up just as messed up as all of them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Ah well, you know what? I never listen to my anxiety anyway, and it's always steered me wrong before. So I just shrugged myself off and continued walking, listening to my shoes slapping the sidewalk until I saw the Kurosawa fishing store come into view. Right away, I could see Dia waiting by the front door. At first, she was just a shadow, but who else would it be?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan. Glad you could make it." Dia must have seen me coming as well. She greeted me while I was still walking towards her, but she didn't offer a hug in greeting, like one would when meeting old friends. There wasn't even so much as a handshake. It hit me then that I was always the one who initiated hugs. Heh, I was surprised at how surprising that was. Dia was always the least touchy-feely out of our little group of misfits. If I wasn't offering a hug, then she certainly wasn't going to.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, me too." My words were awkward, but I didn't know what else to say. I didn't offer her a hug, and I couldn't tell if she was offended. She just stared at me, like I was a student asking for an increase in my club's budget. Then she turned to the door without another word, unlocking it and heading inside. She held open the door for me, and I gave her a nod of thanks. Talking didn't seem right, even to say something as easy as 'thanks'.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The lights were off, but I didn't need them on to see the shelves of fishing equipment around me. I knew them from memory, down to the branding on each tacklebox. Dia didn't need the lights on either: at least, not to find the light switch. The door closed behind me, and we were both swallowed up by the darkness. All I could do was listen for her footsteps, hearing them patter away from me until the entire building was flooded with light.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Urrgh..." I shielded my eyes, wishing for the darkness to return. That wasn't supposed to be as morbid as it sounded, but honestly... Ah, really, I'd just rather not look Dia in the eyes. I don't think she's ever been able to see through me, but it's best not to take that risk. It would be easier if I just turned around and walked right out the door, but I lowered my hand and saw her sitting on the countertop where all the transactions were made. She only did that when she wanted to really sit down and have a chat. I couldn't walk away from that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Sitting next to her felt nostalgic in a way that I wish it didn't. It took me back to middle school, sitting there in the middle as a mediator of sorts. Our legs were a lot shorter back then, come to think of it. I watched my legs kick out, back and forth, then looked over to my right. There was no one sitting there, and I let out a soft breath of a sigh. Now all I could think of was the two of us sitting there during summer break, trying to rekindle a friendship I had broken.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"How is the diving shop doing?" Dia had never been good at small talk. Even now, she looked awkward as she fished for a topic of discussion. It was cute in a somewhat annoying way. She was the one who had invited me over to chat. Why did it feel that I had to be the one to pick up the slack, again? It was always me scrambling for topics while she scratched at her mole and stammered out.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"It's fine. Same as always." I actually didn't have much to say about my job, but I kinda liked taking control of how the flow of conversation went. If I gave her little to work with, it would mean she had to do something. Was that petty of me? Probably: it certainly <em>sounded </em>petty in my mind. That didn't stop me from doing it, though. It usually didn't.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That's good." I decided to chance a glance at Dia, rather than stare at my feet like an awkward teenager. She was staring at the front door, but something in her eyes told me that she hadn't found that part of the wall suddenly fascinating. It was obvious she was just staring into nothing, but for what purpose? I had no idea. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something." Ah, there we go.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"It's not like you to be so serious, Dia." I was joking, of course, but I hadn't actually meant to say it. One of my defining traits - an annoying one, Dia had made sure to mention - was using humor to try and simmer down serious situations. Those kinds of situations were always uncomfortable for me, even if I technically caused most of them. It didn't even work in this instance: Dia didn't so much as pout at my poor attempt at humor.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"As you know, I'm getting married in a few months." I nodded, though it still felt unreal. She had texted me out of the blue to tell me of her engagement. I suppose it shouldn't have been surprising, but something inside me felt like she wasn't going to end up going through with it. My eyes immediately scanned her left hand for a ring, and I had to suppress a whistle at the impressive rock on her ring finger. "I... wanted to see if you would be one of my bridesmaids."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Really?" I let out a laugh, more out of relief than anything. I wasn't even sure what I thought this conversation might've turned into, but that wasn't one of my first choices. "Uh, I mean, I'm flattered. I don't get to be your maid of honor?" I laughed, fake pouting and hoping that she didn't think I was serious. Again, the whole humor thing. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You know Ruby's going to be my maid of honor." She sounded a touch miffed, but there was humor in the smile that showed up on her face. "My fiancé has his best man and two groomsmen, so I need to have the same for the sake of balance." <em>His </em>best <em>man</em>. <em>His </em>two <em>groomsmen</em>. It was so weird to hear those words coming out of Dia's mouth. I knew she had a reputation to uphold, and getting married to an affluent man was part of it. It was just weird for me to think of my friend, whom I knew for a <em>fact </em>was a lesbian, getting married to a man. "I needed to bring in a second bridesmaid, and... I may have already asked Mari if she would."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Wait, what?" That made me stop thinking about her sexuality crisis real quick. My jaw dropped, and I couldn't stop staring at her. It must have embarrassed her, as for how quickly she turned to look at me, she immediately looked away. "Mari is one of your bridesmaids? Mari Ohara?" There were so many questions on my mind. Why would Dia ask Mari to be a bridesmaid? How had such a topic even come up?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Do you know any other Mari?" No, but I kind of wish I did. That would at least give this revelation plausible deniability. "We... reconnected while I was at university, and we've been talking on and off ever since. It just felt right to ask her." Something didn't seem right. That seemed fine enough, but why wouldn't she look me in the eye? That was concerning, but I honestly had other things on my mind involving our former friend.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I didn't know you two were talking again. She hasn't sent any messages to me." I crossed my arms and tilted my head, trying to make her look at me. It wasn't like I was totally blameless. I hadn't made any attempts to reconnect with her after what happened, and I knew that. It was just that I had been hoping that if she was going to reconnect with Dia, she might try doing the same with me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Dia didn't answer immediately, which once again aroused my suspicions. She glanced around the store, chewing on her lower lip. "If you want her to message you, then text her." It was evasive, and we both knew it was. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to let it go, but I decided it was better if I did. Was this a moment I wanted to get into an argument? It might drive me back to the beach, at least.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay." I didn't want to get into it, so I didn't. I didn't even have a reason to be jealous, and I knew that. It was my decision to send Mari away, and I corralled Dia into following my lead. I hadn't even tried to rebuild the bridges I had burned: I just let them smolder in the waters I wanted to float me away. I felt it was right, though. It just caused more devastation than I could have ever imagined.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I know it will be awkward for you and Mari to be standing together, since I know neither of you have spoken to the other in years. However, I hope that you will behave yourself at my wedding. I also said the same thing to Mari," she added, as if knowing that I would say something. She was right, of course. I was just about to ask why only I was being targeted, but she had cut me off at the knees. What choice did I have but to be mollified?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I can behave." Was that reassuring enough? "It'll be good to catch up with her." Ah, that was too much. I held my breath as I looked at Dia, but to my surprise, my response seemed to pacify her. That breath came back out. Considering how much Dia overanalyzed everything, the fact that she took what I said at face value was laughable. She had always had a blind spot when it came to how other people felt. She barely understood <em>herself</em>, so how was she going to understand someone like me, or even Ruby?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm happy to hear that, Kanan. I will send both of you an email concerning when you need to show up and what to wear." She smiled so genuinely that I felt bad. It had always been a rare sight to see Dia actually smile. Everything about her was forced: from her smiles to her public persona to her marriage. Sometimes I wondered if there even <em>was </em>a real Dia, or at least the Dia I thought I knew when we were kids. She was just some... some woman who merely resembled the ideal of the girl I remembered. Talk about the pot and the kettle...</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The conversation tapered off there, and then Dia got off of the counter. That was the signal it was time to go, so I followed suit, and we walked silently to the door. Once we got outside, I watched her lock the door before turning to face me. "Thanks for coming, Kanan. I'm sure we'll see each other again before the wedding." She smiled, and I almost laughed in her face. How far our relationship had fallen that she had to reassure me we would see each other at least once in a few months' span.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah. Take care, Dia." I waved to her and started walking back to my dad's place. Well, it was my place too, but it always felt like it would be <em>his </em>place, you know? The walk felt so much longer than it actually was because of everything on my mind. Dia's wedding, Mari returning, everything I knew and everything I could only dream of understanding: it would have been more than enough to handle under normal circumstances. Considering what I had been about to do before Dia's call, it all felt that much heavier.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I didn't remember getting into my bedroom. Everything happened in a blur. It wasn't until I was standing in front of my bed that I realized how far I had walked. I tried to shake my head to clear it, but I knew only two things were going to help. First, I needed to pass out until my limbs atrophied. Then I needed to grab a six pack and get buzzed with Chika.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
  <p>Never say that Kanan Matsuura doesn't get shit done when she puts her mind to it. As soon as I woke up at the crack of noon, I called Chika and invited myself over. Then I grabbed two six packs out of the fridge and made my way over to the Takami Inn. The sun was bright, and I couldn't wait to completely ignore it in favor of hiding inside.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Chika greeted me at the front desk, and the two of us headed right for the sauna. Sometimes I wondered if it was okay for us to both feel this comfortable stripping naked in front of each other. We just took off of clothes without a second thought and washed off next to each other. I mean, we bathed together as kids, so that shouldn't have been too surprising. Plus, after Dia went to Tokyo for university, I kinda fell into a victim-fueled funk and slept with Chika a few times. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened, and I can't change that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>We slipped into the warmth of the sauna together, neither of us bothering with towels. Chika sighed in bliss when her body made contact with the water, which never ceased to amuse me. She spent her entire life in her family's ryokan, yet she didn't get bored of the same ol' sauna. Chika sure was something else, and I could drink to that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>We kicked back, relaxed, and started popping tops. Quickly the two of us had downed two beers apiece, and neither of us were interested in stopping. I wondered if anyone would have believed that Chika would be the most stable out of our band of misfits. She was always picking something new up to do, then quitting it when she got bored or it became too frustrating. She was in good spirits now, though. Having a family business she could slip into didn't hurt, nor did her natural exuberance that continued to draw people into her. She and You would make a hell of a pyramid scheme duo.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, time to spill the beer, sister." Chika lifted her half-drunk beer up, her breasts rising above the warm water. I'll admit I stared: I'm not ashamed enough to ignore it. She had grown between her second and third year of high school, and she was a fine-looking woman. Any red-blooded man or woman could see that, and I knew that a few of them had done more than that. "What's on your mind?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What makes you think there's something on my mind?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Because we don't get drunk like this unless there is." Okay, fair point. Chika could be more perceptive than anyone gave her credit for. "C'mon, fill me in. Oh! Is it about Dia's wedding? I got my invitation recently, and I know You did too."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"In a way, yeah." I laughed, shaking my head before downing the rest of my beer. It was actually unfair that Chika was so perceptive. Maybe the beer gave her more clarity, some impossible how. "It's just weird, isn't it? I mean, she's the first one of us getting married, and it's to a <em>guy</em>. Some rich guy none of us have even met, I assume." I gave Chika a curious look: after finding out that Dia and Mari were talking again, I couldn't be sure if I was just being kept out of the loop again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I haven't met him either. It <em>is </em>weird, but not <em>that </em>weird." She put down her fourth empty bottle, leaning over the edge so she could spin the caps. "You know how Dia's family is. It's all about business, it's all about the family legacy. I mean, I guess mine is too, but they don't care if I shove my face between a girl's legs. Both of my sisters are married with kids anyway. How many more kids can this town hold?" She laughed, and I swore I could hear an undercurrent of bitterness. "Besides, out of all of us, Dia's pretty much the least lesbian. She's like... a take it or leave it lesbo, you know?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Uh, no, I don't know. The hell is that?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"It's like..." Chika popped upon her fifth beer, waving her arms around like she could gain the proper answer through some weird ritual. "... you know, a take it or leave it lesbo!" Oh yes, answering the question with the same answer I questioned made plenty of sense. "I mean, like, she's into girls, but I don't think she's <em>that </em>into them. Or, like, people in general."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Chika, are you trying to say she's bisexual?" That had to be the most labyrinth-ass way of saying that in the history of the LGBT. "I don't believe that. She's only had sex with one person that I know of, and it was a woman. I can't even think about her having sex with that man, fiancé or not." I actually tried to imagine it, even though that was stupid and I shouldn't have. Having to draw on pictures of him from Dia's social media page, I legitimately could not imagine her underneath him, taking him inside her. It just couldn't be true.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"So you're saying the only person she's had sex with is you." I nearly dropped my beer in the water: an excommunicable offense according to the elder Takami sisters. Only when tipsy would Chika bring up something that was never supposed to be brought up again. Immediately my brain was assaulted by memories. As if the sauna was no longer there, I could see Dia coming over to my place, having a bad night because she had been thinking of Mari. She didn't want to spend the night alone, she was vulnerable, and I wasn't exactly sober at the time. I couldn't even recall the details of the sex: I just remembered the next morning. She was pulling on her clothes and crying, screaming at me for taking her virginity, telling me that she hated me. We didn't speak to each other for two years.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah," I muttered lamely, chugging my beer as fast as I could. I could feel myself getting buzzed, but I wasn't nearly drunk enough for this conversation. Having to relive what was probably the biggest mistake of my life wasn't fun. It was a miracle Dia even <em>wanted </em>to talk to me after the major falling out we had. Honestly, if I hadn't been so insistent that Mari was wasting her potential in our shitty little town, that whole debacle likely never would have happened. Saying that drunkenly taking advantage of my vulnerable friend wasn't the worst thing I had ever done seemed wrong, though.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That barely counts, Kanan. You're hot and you've slept with like... half the town." She spread her arms wide, trying to encompass every person she thought I'd had sex with within them. "You've got that charisma, you know?" She was staring at my boobs. Nothing more charismatic than that... and I couldn't even refute it.  "Straight girls would go lez for you for a night. I mean, You's straight, and she had sex with you."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Chika, there's so much wrong with what you just said that I don't even know where to begin." I pinched the bridge of my nose: I was <em>definitely </em>not drunk enough for this. "I have <em>not </em>slept with half the town, and I certainly did <em>not </em>sleep with You. I don't know why you think we did, but we have never done anything like that. As for her being straight..." I could only shake my head. The fact that Chika was still this oblivious was mind-boggling, even for her. "... I think you really need to just ask her."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay, I will then!" We fell silent for a bit, and I took that opportunity to stare at the water through my empty bottle. Everything was rustling calmly in a copper tint, and it made me feel a bit more comforted. It was almost like diving, except I was diving into alcoholism. It also helped me avoid looking over at Chika while I was deep in buzzed thoughts about the mistakes I had made. With my eye still focused on the bottle, I reached behind me to grab my final beer. However, I kept grabbing empty bottles. Frowning, I abandoned my quest to drown myself - emotionally this time - in order to search for my missing beer. It wasn't there: just five empty bottles to join the one in my hand. Fuck, when had I drank it? I was barely buzzed!</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I sank lower into the water, until my chin was touching the surface. Being sober sucked. Being buzzed was better, but still kinda sucked. The more blitzed I was, the less I would think about what a sad, pathetic life I was leading. I looked over at Chika's menagerie of bottles, reaching over to start shaking them one by one. I'd drink any drop that was left, but they all were empty. The only one that seemed to have anything in it was the one in Chika's hand, which she was in the process of polishing off.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You snooze, you lose," Chika grinned, placing the empty bottle down with a flourish. "Ahh, this is the life, don't you think?" She started to wade over to the middle of the sauna, and I went to follow her. She had never been able to hold her liquor like You or I, and I didn't want her to drown or something. "Spending time in the water is really... nice." She may have wanted to use a different word, but that was the best she could come up with. "Not everyone gets that. They don't <em>get</em> water."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, you know city folk." I laughed, even though I could practically taste the bitterness from Chika's words. It didn't feel appropriate to bring it up, though, even though she <em>did </em>bring up my disastrous dalliance with Dia. I didn't feel like getting back at her, though. Hadn't I spent enough time getting back at people because of my own insecurities?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey, Kanan?" I must have been spacing out, because I looked over at Chika and found her right in front of me. She was pressing her body to mine, trying to get as close as possible. "I'm feeling some kind of way. Do you wanna... maybe go to a room?" She pressed her fingertips together, looking away from me with a blush. Not much embarrassed her, but asking for sex seemed to be the kicker. I sighed, knowing that it wasn't a good idea. Again, drunken sex with a vulnerable friend? My <em>best </em>friend on top of that. How many times would I make that mistake?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, sure." As many times as it takes, apparently.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
  <p>Dia's wedding was in a month. Those months since she asked me to be a bridesmaid had passed by in a blur. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't just pop myself off in the meantime, but I think it was because of her wedding. It wasn't something I wanted to even go to, because it was a complete sham and standing next to Mari was going to be the most awkward thing. But it was Dia, and she was still my friend, some incredible how. I at least felt indebted to her to see this through. Once the reception wound down, then I could go home and finish things off.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>That still left another month to do what I had been doing this entire year: sleep as much as I could, work at the family diving shop, and get hammered with Chika. You sometimes showed up, but that was the most interesting thing in a life that was as dull as it was meaningless. Today, waking up early for once, or as early as eleven could be, I decided that I'd fix some diving equipment, then go skinny dipping.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Skinny dipping was pretty nice. I'd been doing it since high school, though it was usually a solo activity, especially back then. Both Chika and You had joined me a couple times, though neither of them had in quite awhile. I think the weirdest time involved these three girls I was casually aware of back in high school. They had come around to the diving shop while I was in the water, and they must have known something was up when they saw my clothes under a towel on the dock. I dunno what they were doing back there, but the three of them ended up joining me in bed. Yeah, all three at the same time. Honestly, I'm pretty proud of that one.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>So I grabbed another six pack, took it to the dock behind the shop, and got naked. I stood there for a moment, admiring the serenity of the ocean in my birthday suit, chugging down a beer like the well-adjusted working woman I was. Once it was downed, I dropped it on the dock and dived into the water. Look, swimming while drunk isn't a great idea. I wouldn't recommend it, but I know my limits. There wasn't much of a chance something bad would happen, but if it did? Honestly, good.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I think I was in the ocean for an hour, swimming around and letting the water glide freely across my body. It's not like I wear a watch while swimming, or ever, so who knows how long it actually was. I could spend all day in the water, though. My love of the ocean is probably my most defining trait. Well, that and making poor decisions. Chika was right, though: there really <em>was </em>nothing better than spending time in the water.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Every time I would swim back to the dock, I would pound another beer. This continued until I had drank the entire six pack. I had a good buzz going that day, and I didn't want it to end. I pulled myself out of the water, drying off and putting the empty bottles back in the pack. Lying out on the dock half-covered by my towel, I grabbed my phone and sent out a mass text for a BYOB day. I usually didn't like having so many people over, but I was feeling surprisingly good for once and wanted to let loose. There wouldn't be many days left for me to do so.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Within a couple hours, the dock had more people hanging around than I'd seen in years. Chika and You were there, as well as the three ladies I'd fucked years ago. There was also a more recent addition: Yoshiko, a weird attention whore with a crisis of self that was miles long. I didn't know her that well, but she got good green from her mom, supposedly. We'd smoked together and fooled around a bit last year, but she needed to take a few hits before feeling comfortable enough to admit to it.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I'd put my underwear back on for posterity's sake, but after a couple more beers, I decided to say fuck it and get back to skinny dipping. Those three ladies all whistled together when I took it off, and I heard Chika laughing as well. I was the only one doing it at first, but as the drinks flowed, the rest of the ladies followed suit. Itsuki, Mutsu, and Yoshimi - yes, I did just remember their names: don't judge me - got naked first, followed by Chika and You. Yoshiko was the most reluctant, but peer pressure won the day, and she was standing at the edge of the dock in her birthday suit, shaking like a leaf and striking one of those weird poses she made up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"W-Well then, my little demons! Now that you've gazed upon Yohane's naked body, you must- ACK!" Chika shut her up by shoving her into the water, then jumping in after her. I could barely contain my laughter, having to grab onto the dock to keep from drowning. This actually was a lot of fun. Honestly, where were all these good vibes when I needed them? Maybe I just needed more companionship to break out of my funk. What a concept.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>It ended up being the most fun I'd had in quite a long time. We all drank, swam around, and shot the shit for a few hours. My inhibitions naturally lowered the more I drank, and I ended up getting pretty handsy with Itsuki, Mutsu, and Yoshimi. Nothing happened exactly, but there was an undercurrent of it for sure. Even in my drunken haze, I could see You floating with a longing look, always gazing at Chika. I kept trying to silently tell her to just say something, but she never did. My telepathy powers were bunk, man.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Eventually we all got out of the water and dried off, and I've gotta admit that I was feeling pretty damn good. I wasn't completely wasted, but I was beyond tipsy for sure. Everyone else was too, though You and I were in better shape than the rest. Yoshiko could barely stand, and she'd had what, three beers? You couldn't get her back in her clothes, so she had to help guide her naked ass back into my house. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>We all ended up piling into my room, where I'd let Yoshiko hide the good stuff she'd gotten from her mom. For her part, Yoshiko flopped face down, ass up on my floor, and You covered her with a blanket for modesty's sake. I, of course, had no modesty, so I just chilled on my bed in the buff with Itsuki, Mutsu, and Yoshimi around me. Chika and You pulled up next to the bed in chairs, You fully dressed and Chika in her underwear, and we all passed Yoshiko's stash around.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey... If you're gonna pass around my stuff, at least let me have a puff." Yoshiko tried to glare at all of us, but it was a pretty lame attempt. You was nice, though, so she handed her the toke, and she proceeded to intake too much and cough up her lungs. It was fun, though. Not that part: the general atmosphere. We were already blitzed, so getting blazed was just a nice add-on. Maybe the lesson was being intoxicated with friends was the way to live life. Wait 'til my guidance counselor heard about that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>So we sat around, smoking and laughing about the old days. I kept getting touchy-feely with the three ladies, and that seemed to both annoy the other three and make them uncomfortable. Not that I could blame them, but I was out of my gourd at that point, so I made the best offer I thought I could: one lady for each of us. Myself, Chika, You, and Yoshiko: three people. I was great at math.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The inconsistency was resolved when You said she needed to head home, and that she'd 'leave us to it.' Only when I saw the hurt on her face did I realize my mistake, and even when drunk and stoned I knew I'd fucked up. I mumbled out something that sounded like I wanted her to wait, but she was already out the door. Dia was right: I <em>am </em>an idiot.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Of course, I was the only one who noticed. I wasn't even sure if Yoshiko was still alive, which was a stupid fucking thing to wonder. I tried to shake myself out of my stupor and follow You, but I was pulled back by Itsuki. "Hey now, the party's just getting started." Her words were slurred, but the intent was clear. I made one more attempt to leave, but it was weak. In the end, I fell back onto the bed and gave myself up to her.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>We ended up just all doing it in my room. I think Mutsu was sitting in Chika's lap, and Yoshimi got under the blanket with Yoshiko. Don't take my word for it, though: I was high out of my damn mind. I'm not even sure if Yoshiko was awake, but I really hope she was. If she had passed out by that point, it would mean my bedroom became home to another really not good happening. They'd have to cordon off my damn house.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The rest of that afternoon was a blur. I know what we did, but only a general idea. Everybody eventually left, but I don't know how long they stayed. I just know that eventually the sun was going down, and I was lying on my bed naked and alone. Something about being in my room alone made me feel uneasy, but I wasn't sure why. I just knew I didn't want to be there anymore, so I struggled into my clothes and pounded the pavement.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I didn't have anywhere I was looking to go: I just walked wherever my feet took me. I wasn't sober, but I was that kind of intoxicated where I felt I was sober enough: the worst kind of intoxicated. It didn't matter to me, though. I felt good, and everything looked beautiful. Man, I'd spent so many years hating this town, talking mad shit and feeling like it was a dead-end stop. Maybe it was, but I'm going to be here forever. I know that, we all know that. It's my town, so why don't I make it the best place it can be? I should have sex in the aquarium.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>My tipsy travels ended up taking me to the Kurosawa fishing shop. I'm not sure if there was a secret reason in my mind that led me there, but it probably wasn't a good idea to start with. I was crossed, and I smelled like beer, weed, and sex: a potent combination. Still, this was where my friend's family worked. It was part of the community, and I loved it like it was my own place.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I somehow found myself leaning against the door, having a nostalgia trip. Thinking about the days when we all were together and running around like we owned the place. We had been broken apart for a long time, for different reasons, but we were all back for one reason or another. Maybe I needed to try getting the band back together. Or maybe I was just being too sentimental for my own good.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>With my hands on the wall, I started shuffling over to the windows. That was my attempt at being sneaky, like Dia was going to be in there hiding from the world. I ended up falling flat on my ass, trying to peer in through the windows. The blinds were drawn, but there was a tiny slit that I could see through. Pressing my face to the glass, I didn't see anything, which made sense for a shop that was currently closed. Honestly, I wasn't even sure what I was doing. Why was I trying to spy on an empty fishing shop?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>It wasn't as empty as I thought, though. To my surprise, I could see two pairs of legs come into view. They were getting pretty close. My eyes widened, realizing that something intimate was going on. I pressed my face closer to the glass, watching two skirts fall down their legs and pool at their ankles. That wasn't a normal friendly activity, no matter who was in there. "Holy shit..." Who else would be in there right now but Dia anyway? And that meant... I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing. I just stumbled to the door and started hammering on it. "Dia! Dia, open up!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I stood in front of the door, waiting. I was feeling sobered up, which was a lie: obviously, I was still wasted. That didn't mean I was unaware of what was going on, though. Eventually, Dia opened up, looking flushed and shifty. Even in my state, I could tell something was up. Without thinking, I pushed past her, ignoring her yelp of surprise as I stumbled into the store.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>There was no one in sight, but I knew they couldn't have gotten far. "Alright, come out, whoever you are!" I stood there on my unstable feet, barely noticing Dia coming to stand next to me. I think a minute may have passed, or maybe it was twenty seconds. Regardless, someone finally did come out: a familiar blonde popping out from behind the counter. "M-Mari...?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan..." I couldn't believe it. Dia and Mari...? Wait, no, I <em>could </em>believe it. I just... didn't. The discovery had turned me dumb, or at least dumber then usual. All I could do was stare at Mari while she refused to look at me. Finally, Dia intervened, though it didn't help matters.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan, this isn't what you think-" That kind of annoyed me. Did Dia think I was so dumb that I didn't realize what I had seen? Two girls didn't stand that close with their skirts down for free gynecology exams, you know?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Uh, then what is it, exactly?" Neither of them responded. That struck a nerve with me. "I can't believe the two of you are doing this! Dia, you're getting married in a month, and you're having sex with Mari?! What are you thinking?!" It's funny: I'd always said Dia's relationship didn't feel right. She was posing to appear acceptable to her strict, conservative parents. Finding out she was carrying on with Mari only proved that to be correct, so I should've been happy. Something about it just made me mad, though.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan, please! It's not what you think!" Dia was repeating herself now. She was looking at me with wide, fearful eyes, but I wasn't going to fall for that. In the past, she had chided me for my so-called promiscuous ways, yet here she was sleeping with Mari a month before her wedding. Why wasn't Dia ever called out for her hypocrisy? Why was it always me?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Don't play me for a fool, Dia! I know who you are!" Wait, what did that mean? "How long has this been going on, huh? Does your fiancé even know you've been palling around behind his back?" For once, it was Dia who was chastised rather than me. Her head was down, and she couldn't even look at me. I thought I heard what sounded like a sniffle, but I was too in the zone to lose focus.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Leave her alone, Kanan!" Suddenly, Mari was in my face, staring me down with a burning rage in her eyes. "You don't know anything about what we do together!" She stared deep into my eyes, frowning as if she found something she didn't like. "Are you blazed? Dammit Kanan, don't just barge in her when you're like this! Go home!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I <em>am </em>home! This town is my home! What are you even doing here, Mari? You weren't supposed to come back here. You're supposed to be living your best life in Italy or something." I knew that it sounded harsh, but the harshness was dulled in my mind.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm here because I'm going to be a bridesmaid, you jackass!" I wondered if Mari would punch me. I'd probably deserve it. It was about that time that my second wind really kicked in. Those were the times where I had my worst ideas, and this one was a doozy. "Please, Kanan, go home." Mari lowered her voice, pleading with me to do the sensible thing.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay. I'll go." I just had to add my stupid little caveat, though. "I'm going to let your fiancé know about what you two have been doing together. Then the two of you can finally be happy together." It all made sense in my intoxicated brain. Dia wasn't happy with her fiancé, and we all knew that. If she was, then she wouldn't be sneaking off to get busy with Mari. She wasn't even straight, clearly. It was all a sham, and she wasn't going to be happy. My <em>friend </em>wasn't going to be happy. If her fiancé knew of her infidelity, they'd break up, and she would have no choice but to fall into Mari's waiting arms. That made perfect sense to me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Wh-What?" It seemed like everything froze in that moment. Both Dia and Mari were staring at me as if I'd just caught a fish in between my teeth right in front of them. I just stared back like nothing was wrong. Nothing <em>was </em>wrong, right? It made sense: Dia should be with someone who made her happy. This wasn't even a dig at her fiancé, who I'm sure was a lovely guy. He just didn't know that his future wife could never love him like he might feel about her. It was tragic, really.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"This is for the best, Dia. I know you: you aren't going to be happy with your life like this. You gotta be with who you love, and that's Mari, right?" Without waiting for an answer, I turned around and ran for the door. I heard both of them yell at me, but I ignored it. If I stopped, they'd catch me, and they'd stop me from doing what I knew was best.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I stumbled out of the store and ran down the street, the world spinning with each step I took. It didn't matter, though. I knew this town like the back of my hand, and I could navigate it even when it felt like I was running through a tsunami. At times I even closed my eyes and let my knowledge lead me, jumping over bumps and cracks in the sidewalk without looking at them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I could see my house coming up, but there was someone standing in my way. I came to a halt a few feet away from You, who was standing there with her arms crossed and a frown on her face. What was she doing there? And why did she look so pissed off?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I got a call from Dia saying you were about to do something stupid. She was crying her eyes out on the phone. What did you do, Kanan?" Shit, Dia had gotten a hold of You. That was a smart play, but I wasn't going to be stopped by her. She was strong, but I had always been stronger. Even in my state, I knew I could take her.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Look, You, you weren't there. Dia and Mari... It doesn't matter. I have to do this, for both of them. Don't you understand? I can fix this." I ran at her, attempting to fake to her left. "I can make up for my mistake in high school!" I went right, but she saw right through me. Before I knew it, I was on the ground, being pinned down by a surprisingly sober You. Hadn't she been drinking and smoking with us? Why did she get to keep her cognitive functions?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan, for once in your life, please shut up." Well, I wasn't going anywhere. Try as I might, I couldn't escape her grip, so I went limp beneath her and shut my mouth. "I don't know what's going on between you three, and I don't know which one of you is right, if any. Honestly, though? It doesn't matter. You're a mess, and I'm finally going to do something about it."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"And what's that?" I tried to be defiant, but it was hard to do that when my childhood friend had me pinned to the sidewalk. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm going to hold an intervention for you. You, Chika, Yoshiko, and I are going to spend a week on my boat. No alcohol, no weed: just a group of friends. I'm sure your dad will be fine with you hanging out with us, so you're not getting out of this one. Just please come with us, okay? I'm worried about you." I was kind of angry: You was going behind my back to hold an intervention for me. I didn't need a damn intervention! Then again, hadn't I just been about to ruin my friend's life, again?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Alright... Alright, I'll go..." I let all of the tension leave my body, becoming little more than a limp noodle beneath You. That seemed to satisfy her, as she got off of me and grabbed my hand to pull me up. She kept her grip tight, though, in case I tried running off again. I couldn't really blame her. "When are we going?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Tomorrow. I'll spend the rest of the day getting permission from your dad and telling the others we're going. It'll also give us a chance to get sober. I'm staying with you tonight, though. I don't trust you to not enact whatever crazy plan you're thinking of." That was fair, honestly. I couldn't deny her when she was so determined, so I just let my shoulders sag in defeat. This time, as I walked the remaining steps to my house, You was in lockstep with me. She was on her phone, and I could only guess that she was telling Dia that I had been caught.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>To be honest, my energy was completely drained by the time I got into my bedroom. There was no fight left in me: no energy in my so-called soul. I flopped down on my bed, face down, and passed out. The rest of the evening and the entire night, I fell in and out of sleep. At times I'd wake up and see You packing things away in my suitcase, but I'd pass out again before being able to ask what she was doing. At one point, I saw Chika there, but I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I was jostled awake in the morning by Chika, so I guess it hadn't been a dream. She yanked me out of bed and made me grab my suitcase, which I reluctantly dragged out the back door. My eyes were still half-closed as I followed Chika to the dock, where You's boat was now parked. The gangplank was down, and she was standing in front of it in her fancy sailor attire. She always loved wearing that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Ahoy, you two! Welcome aboard!" She stepped away so we could enter, though I did so under protest. It was too early, I was too hungover, and I was still trying to process everything that happened yesterday. This was not how I expected to spend my week, but I suppose I deserved it. I had enough strength in me to put my suitcase in the lower part of the ship, then I stumbled back up the steps and laid down on the deck. It felt nice against my face.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remembered everything from yesterday, yet nothing. It was all a blur, yet so clear. Maybe I was just making myself not remember because I had done something colossally stupid again. "Please You, let me go home," I moaned into the deck, but no one responded. Instead, I heard footsteps around me, and I looked up to see Yoshiko now on the boat, with You pulling up the gangplank. How did Yoshiko keep getting invited to these things?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I watched You head over to the navigation, at which point I lost consciousness. My dreams were weird, specifically because I remembered them. Normally my dreams come and go, and I forget them when I wake up. This time, it was very clear. I could feel the boat rocking, and when I looked over the edge, I saw sea creatures slamming into the side. They were small but determined, and they were threatening to capsize the boat. One particularly hard knock sent me tumbling over the edge, and the moment I hit the water, I woke up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>My eyes burst open with a start, and I found myself still on the deck. Thankfully, we were sailing past a gaggle of clouds, or I probably would have gotten sunburned. With a sigh, I rolled onto my back and stared up at them, wondering what in the hell I was doing there.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Alright Kanan, time to get up." You was suddenly blocking the clouds, leaning over me with a smile. No, wait, that was a frown: I was looking at her upside down. Groaning, I rolled over once more, getting onto my feet. I nearly went right back down, but she kept me up with a steadying hand. "Here, this should help with the hangover." She offered me a plastic cup with something in it. Whatever it was, I didn't even bother to check: I just drank it down in one gulp.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>As soon as it passed over my tongue, I felt like I was going to be sick. My face scrunched up like I'd had a lemon forced into my mouth, and I immediately ran to the side of the boat. I barely made it there before I was puking my guts out over the side. After a couple more retches and dry heaves, I sunk down onto my knees, holding onto the railing with a groan. Normally I could keep it in, even if I did end up with a hangover. Whatever You had given me did a number on my stomach, though. My apologies to any sea life down there.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I told you, prairie oyster doesn't cure hangovers. That's just a myth." I looked over my shoulder to see Yoshiko standing next to You. The hell was a 'prairie oyster'? Was that what You had me drink? God, what the hell was <em>in </em>that thing? I ended up on my back again, not daring to move unless I threw up my internal organs next. I hadn't eaten anything in quite awhile, so there really wasn't anything to throw up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thankfully, they allowed me to lay there and get my bearings before they pulled me up by the arms and led me into the cabin. There were two chairs, one against each wall, and I was allowed to sink down into one of them. They didn't bother much with me after that. Apparently they were waiting to start whatever intervention this was until I wasn't prone to vomiting. You gave me a sandwich to eat, a couple bottles of water to drink, and an empty bucket to throw up in should the need arise. Huh... Had I ever really understood how good of a friend You was?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I didn't throw up, thank God. I eventually got through the sandwich and some of the water, which made me feel a bit better. Eventually I was led down below, where I recognized four cots against the walls. The bottoms were weighted down with sandbags, and I was grateful to just lay down in one and rest there. I was hoping and praying that nobody would disturb me and make me talk about my feelings or whatever, and thankfully they did not. I ended up falling asleep again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>When I woke up, the only light came from a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. In the dim light, I could see Yoshiko in her cot, sleeping away. However, both Chika and You were missing. Since I was feeling somewhat better, I got up and walked up to the main deck, seeing Chika standing at navigation. She had her hands on the wheel and You's hat perched squarely on her head.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hi Kanan! C'mere real quick!" Shrugging, I went over to her. She took a hand off the wheel and jabbed a finger in my chest, speaking in English, <em>"Look at me, look at me. I am the captain now." </em>She then burst into giggles, temporarily forgetting what she was doing. "I always wanted to say that! Oh shit, sorry!" She quickly grabbed the wheel again, staring out into the dark ocean. Only the floodlights from the boat kept things visible. "You told me I could drive for a bit! It's so cool!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Sure seems like it." I left her to it, heading out onto the deck. Right away I could see You, on her back with her hands behind her head. She was stargazing, and something compelled me to join her. "Mind if I join you?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Come on down, sailor." She smiled at me, and it felt undeserved. I still laid down next to her, adopting her position and staring up at the stars. "I just want to warn you that we're going to do our intervention tomorrow. I know you're going to hate it, but I'm hoping it will help you. You've been stuck here for years, just moping around and pushing yourself away from us. I want to know what happened between you, Dia, and Mari as well. I'm going to be mad if you hurt her again."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I thought you were supposed to be on my side," I laughed wearily. When I originally created the fissure in our friend group, it had basically shaken out with Chika and You defending me, and Ruby and Hanamaru defending Dia. God, I wonder what happened to Hanamaru. I hadn't seen her in a long, long time. "Look, it's a long story..."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, we're gonna be out at sea for a week, so we have lots of time for long stories." She laughed and elbowed me, though I saw she was still looking up at the stars. "We all care about you, Kanan. This has been a long time coming, and I'm just hoping it's not too late." I thought about that, wondering if it <em>was </em>too late. I still had plans to kill myself after Dia's wedding, perhaps sooner now. It didn't seem likely I'd be allowed within six miles of a wedding I'd tried to ruin.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Alright, alright. But this isn't like our normal fights, alright? What I tell you three can't <em>ever </em>leave this boat. God, how am I going to keep Chika to keep her big mouth shut?" Suddenly, it dawned on me that we were out here for a week, just the four of us. There wasn't anywhere for Chika or You to go either. Hmm... "Actually, You, have you told Chika how you feel about her yet?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What? Uh, no, I... Why would I do that?" It felt good to have You on the ropes, since I'd been the one hitting them for too long. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Because you have feelings for her, dork. I'm surprised your candle still has any wax left considering how long you've been carrying it for her." I rolled onto my side and nudged her shoulder, then pointed to the cabin. "She's literally right there, steering your boat. This is all about truth and shit, right? You should go tell her." She looked mighty skeptical, so I used the ace out of my sleeve. "Do it for me? I've fucked up so many things, and I just want to do one thing right."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"... Ugh, okay, okay." Shaking her head, she stood up and went straight for the cabin. I was too curious not to watch, so I stood up and watched her enter the cabin. Though I couldn't hear anything from where I was, I could see them greeting each other. The lights in the cabin were good enough that I could see how nervous You was, and the clear struggle she had getting her words out. Chika seemed confused, so I got the feeling that You actually <em>had </em>told her the truth.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I was actually holding my breath, hoping against hope that this would actually work. If You got rejected, then I was going to look like an even bigger jackass. I wouldn't blame You for tossing me overboard and making me swim home as punishment. Then I saw Chika nodding, smiling brightly. The two of them were in each others' arms, laughing and crying. At least, I think they were. When I saw them share a kiss, I couldn't help but smile. That was one good thing I'd done that seemed like it'd actually turn out for the best. Now I was only in the red by about fifty.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well, now all I had to wait for was tomorrow, when the three of them were going to grill me about all the terrible things I had done. That was going to be fun. With a sigh, I waited for Chika and You to part before I went in and passed out in my cot again. Tomorrow was going to be a long, long day.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
  <p>The intervention took place in the cabin. You was at the wheel, while I sat to her right. Yoshiko was sitting on her left, and Chika was alternating between sitting at You's feet and getting up to pace around the cabin. She seemed more nervous than I was, and <em>I </em>was the one being raked over the coals. Though her nerves seemed to stem from what she and You talked about last night, as she constantly returned to You's side, whether to squeeze her arm or hug her legs while she sat.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Alright, I guess you want to know what happened with Dia and Mari, and why Dia called You like she did." There was no point in delaying the inevitable, so I might as well just come clean with it. "Just remember that none of this can leave the boat. <em>None of it.</em>" I glared at all of them until they nodded. "Okay, so after our get together, I was crossed as fuck, and I ended up walking over to Dia's family's fishing shop. I don't know why I was looking in the window, but I was peeking in through the slit at the bottom, and I saw two girls getting real close. When I pounded on the door and Dia let me in, I found Mari in there. The two of them have been screwing, for how long I have no idea." I swallowed a lump in my throat, wondering just how long something like this had been happening with me being none the wiser.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Holy shit," Chika whispered, laughing as she leaned into You. You was blushing something fierce, but seemed perfectly fine with it. "I mean, I kinda thought they would end up getting together, but then Mari went to Spain-"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Italy."<br/>"Italy, and we never saw her again. I didn't even know the two of them connected again. Nice."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Wait, Dia's getting married, though, right?" Yoshiko popped into the chat. I didn't even realize she knew anything about Dia. Had I mentioned her sometime while we were stoned? "I doubt her fiancé knows about this."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, he doesn't." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. This wasn't going to go down well. "The reason Dia was calling You was because after I caught them, I told them I was going to tell her fiancé about what she was doing." All of their jaws dropped at the same time. You had to look away from the ocean to stare at me. Man, I was really being put on the spot, huh? "I... I thought if I told him, then he'd break off their engagement. Then she and Mari would be able to be together, which I could tell was what they both wanted."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Wow, this is on another level, Kanan. I wish I couldn't believe that you'd break up Dia's engagement just because you thought it was right." You had turned back to focus on driving, but I could see how tight her jaw was. She was angry, and honestly, she had every right to be. I could now remember so much of what had happened yesterday, and I couldn't believe I had said all of that. I don't even think You and Dia were that great of friends, but honestly, You was just a nice person. A lot nicer than I had ever been.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That's kinda on par for Kanan, though. She does stuff because she thinks it's what's best for them, instead of what they actually want." That was surprisingly sage coming from Chika, and I wanted to refute it. I couldn't, though. It was something I'd thought about myself over the years, especially when Dia and I weren't speaking. Maybe I was too forceful trying to make people do what I thought was best, but then I went ahead and did it again and again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, I guess so." I sighed and leaned back in my chair. This was going to be negative self-esteem day, wasn't it? "It's not like I'm trying to act like I know better than everyone. I just... If I see a friend not doing what they should do, or want to do, I feel like I've gotta push them into it. Even if they end up hating me, I don't want them to miss out just because they're keeping up with appearances, or they don't want to leave this stupid little town."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey, I like this 'stupid little town'." Chika stuck her tongue out at me, having started leaning against the navigation tools. "Just because you think this is a dead end place doesn't mean the rest of us do. So what if everyone else moved away? That's their life. That doesn't mean shit, Kanan. You've gotta stop acting like such a victim, or you're just never going to be happy." Holy shit, was I getting hardcore chastised by Chika? My life really <em>was </em>bad, huh?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"It sounds like you don't trust your friends to make their own decisions." I didn't even recognize it was Yoshiko speaking at first. Out of our so-called friend group, she was the outlier: a friend of a friend who really knew so little about the dynamics of what had happened. Hoenstly, I was almost offended that she would speak to me about this, but I bit my tongue and let her continue, knowing it'd make me look worse to call her out when this was all because of my stupid decisions.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Look, I dunno everything about your situation. It's not like you tell me much when we're smoking. All I know is what I'm hearing here, and some old tales Zuramaru told me. Not that she knows much either, since Ruby doesn't like to talk about it." She started examining her nails, painted as black as her soul. I'm sure she'd say that verbatim. "But You filled me in on some things. You don't let others think for themselves. You know best, and you make all the decisions for them."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I didn't know what to say to that, except... she was right. That was <em>not </em>what I wanted to say, for obvious reasons. Out of all the people who were going to school me, why did it have to be the weird demon girl I occasionally smoked weed with? What could I do about it, though? She was right: every time I messed things up, it was because I was making decisions for other people. I made Mari leave, I nearly ruined Dia's marriage. It was all because I thought I knew what was best for them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Fuck..." I slid so far down into my seat that I fell off it completely, grunting as I landed on the floor. "I'm not trying to be controlling! I just don't want them to waste their lives. Isn't that at least a <em>little </em>noble?" I looked around at the three of them, but none of them appeared to agree with me. Covering my face with my hands, I wondered how much power I would need to phase through the floor and get into the water. "It wasn't because I was trying to hurt them..."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"We know that." You left the wheel, letting Chika take over as she sat down next to me. She put a hand on my shoulder and looked at me kindly. "You care so much about your friends, but you just... go about it the wrong way. I'm sure you know by now, but Mari didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay here, with you and Dia, no matter if there was something technically better for her out there." All I could do was nod, still covering my face in shame. Yeah, I knew that by now. Some nights, it was all I thought about.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I miss Mari. Remember when she let me ride her horse? That was the coolest thing!" Chika always had the happiest memories of other people. Sometimes I wished I was more like that. "I mean... I don't regret siding with you, Kanan. You've been my friend for the longest time. I wasn't going to abandon you. I just think things could've ended differently." They absolutely could have, but it was too late for that. It was way too late.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Maybe you ought to cut your losses." Yoshiko spoke up again, having taken to filing her nails. She must've really wished she was doing something else. I didn't blame her. "You fucked up, right? I can't imagine either Dia or Mari forgiving you for this. You've still got us, though. You've got those girls you invited over just to bone. This isn't the worst group in the world, I assume." She looked at me, eyebrow raised. I quickly shook my head.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"No, of course not. You all are great friends. I..." I didn't even know what to say beyond that. "I dunno..." Allowing myself to fall further into weakness, I rolled over and laid my head on You's lap. To her credit, she didn't immediately push me off. "I already messed things up with Mari so royally. I don't want to lose Dia too..." After everything she and I had gone through, the thought of her going away permanently hurt my heart.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, then you have to apologize, and you have to really mean it." You slowly stroked my hair, which gave me a strange sense of calm. "Maybe they won't accept it, but that's something you're gonna have to accept. Remember, you can't always make people do what you want them to." Yeah, I was coming to learn that fact. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Ugh, this sucks... What if Dia doesn't accept my apology, though? We've been friends for so long." But how long had I been a real friend to her, though? I chased away her crush, I took her virginity, I kept up a silence for years... Had I ever done <em>anything </em>that made me a good friend? Anything at all? I wracked my brain for something, but I was coming up blank. Maybe... Maybe I had <em>never </em>been a good friend to her. I was just someone she stuck around with for tradition's sake.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thinking back on it, I was Dia's first friend, and one of her only friends for as long as I had known her. We had befriended Mari together, but I couldn't think of any friends she made on her own. Chika and You became her friends through me, and Hanamaru and Yoshiko eventually showed up through Ruby. I suppose I couldn't slag on those two, since she knew much more about them than I did. Still, hadn't I been the one who had been there for her this whole time? Or at least, I thought I had... It was becoming increasingly clear that I was very wrong.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>She had always been such a shy little scaredy-cat when we were kids. When she grew up, she became the opposite: a strict, imposing figure. Before, she was too shy to go up to kids and ask them to be friends. Then she was too scary for others to try and befriend her. It was a cycle that I noticed, but made little effort to stop. Maybe I didn't think it was my business, but it was. I was Dia's best friend, and I never helped her. All I did was force her to do things she didn't want to do.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I need to apologize to her, then. If she doesn't accept it, then I... I guess I'll have to accept that." I wasn't sure if I <em>could </em>accept that outcome, but for everyone's sake, I needed to try. It wasn't fair of me to expect Dia to forgive me, or for me to make her do so. That was how I got into this headspace in the first place. All I could do was be as honest as I could and hope for the best.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
  <p>Despite feeling like we had solved my problems on day two, I was still forced to stay sailing for another five days. Laying around eating turkey sandwiches and having all my poor decisions dissected in front of me was not fun, but I suppose it was necessary. They had brought me out there to get away from the distractions I loved to use and made me confront myself. I can't say it was enjoyable, but it was also useful in the end.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thankfully, I wasn't the only one who had to do some soul searching. Everybody seemed comfortable enough to sit together and talk about their own issues. Of course, You's main issue had been resolved night one, thanks to some prodding from yours truly. I did <em>one </em>thing right, remember? So You and Chika were together now, officially. They announced it at that time, and I was legitimately happy for them. This had been so many years in the making, it was ridiculous. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I was surprised to hear Chika come out and admit she had issues with keeping her attention on one thing. We'd all know it, but she had always been in such denial. She could finally admit that she kept jumping from one hobby to the next, tossing the previous one aside like it had never existed. At least I wasn't the only one who had to reckon with themselves. That would've been lonely.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Yoshiko, on the other hand, was a tough egg to crack. She seemed okay with admitting that people found her weird, but waffled on whether or not she actually had a problem. The rest of us had different opinions on what she should do. I was of the mind that if she wanted to make more friends, she needed to quit the weird 'fallen angel' schtick and join the rest of us in the normal world. Chika was emphatic that she should keep living her dream, and if she wanted to be a fallen angel, then she should. As our tiebreaker, You helpfully shrugged and said both sides had good points. We never ended up getting anywhere, but Yoshiko said she'd take it all into consideration. I didn't know whether or not she actually would.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>However, I did find her leaning against the railing one night. I had been struggling to sleep, caught up in my worries and freshly-uncovered insecurities. Seeing Yoshiko still out, I figured I might as well strike up a conversation. There wasn't anything else to do.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"So, uh... you doing okay, Yoshiko?" It was lame, but what else was I supposed to say? Again, I knew so little about her outside of whatever we talked about while smoking. I knew she fashioned herself as a little demon, and she streamed herself playing video games online. Besides that, I knew nothing. I didn't even know what university she went to.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I guess." She leaned further over the railing, sighing deeply. "Maybe you're right, and I need to give up this stupid schtick. I just don't know who I am without it." This was the most vulnerable I had ever seen her. None of this came up in our little emotion session earlier. Asking me to help with emotional issues was like asking Hanamaru how to code, but I figured I ought to give it a shot. She seemed to trust me enough to admit this stuff: might as well do my best to reciprocate.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, uh... I guess I kinda sound like a dick now." I laughed, but she didn't. "Look, I dunno why you do that thing. I... don't really know much about you. I guess it isn't for me to say you should stop doing it. That's been my problem in the first place: telling people to do things that they don't necessary want to."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, but... maybe you're right. I don't know <em>why </em>I still do this. I remember doing it in kindergarten, and it became an escape for me. Even without the whole demon thing, I was always the weird kid. The loner girl gamer with the single mom and weird twitchy tendencies. At least when I was Yohane, I could pretend I was someone cool and powerful: not the lame outcast I've been my entire life. It was also pretty popular on my streams. Apparently it was close enough to a 'goth girlfriend' for people." She finally laughed, though it didn't sound genuine.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I had no idea..." Not that it was much of an excuse, but I really didn't. I mean, I could have asked, but how often had we had these kinds of moments, where we were so vulnerable emotionally? "I'm sorry..."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Nah, don't be. I do worse things than that now." Under the moon, I could see a blush on her face. "I'm no good at holding down a job, so I started doing... uh, <em>private </em>streams for money. I'll basically do anything if it keeps me from having to do actual labor."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Really? That's, uh, kinda hot." I could only imagine what she did in these private streams, but I was suddenly interested in knowing more. "How come you don't give me a link to these streams? We've been hanging out, right?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Uh, as if," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Even you're going to have to pay for it."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What? C'mon, we've had sex before."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"No offense, but the sex isn't equal to what I charge for these streams." Yowch, right in the ol' ego. I actually laughed at that, though. It was kinda funny in a painful way. At least the girl had some spunk. "If you're going to buy them, don't mention it to me. It's weird thinking about someone I know in real life watching me do those kinds of things." She rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, still blushing. "It's not that I want to do it. I just need the money."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, I get that. From a sympathetic standpoint, anyway." I placed a hand on her shoulder, causing her to look at me. I was about to say something out of left field, but it felt like a left field sort of week. "Hey, after all this shit, you wanna go on a date or something? We don't have to bone or anything, unless you want to, of course." I shot her a wink for the full effect. "But honestly, having all this shit weighing on my mind, it'd be nice to go out on a normal date with just one person. Sounds like you could use some time outside too."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, I guess." She sounded dismissive, but the look on her face gave me the feeling she was seriously considering it. "Well, I suppose you could take the great Yohane out, if you think you can stand the hellfire that burns within my very soul." She stepped back from the railing, throwing two fingers up in front of her eyes and striking a pose I had grown all-too familiar with. "Don't come crying to me if I am too much for you, mortal."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'll keep that in mind," I responded dryly, patting her shoulder. "So, where would you wanna go anyway? It can be wherever you want-"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"The arcade." Wow, that was fast. I laughed, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. "H-Hey... If you think this is gonna get you into my private streams, you'd better keep dreaming. Many of my little demons would kill for the money needed to see me at my most vulnerable."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"And here all I had to do was ply you with weed you got from your mom." She looked even more embarrassed, sticking her tongue out at me before looking away. I laughed and wrapped her in my arms, gently holding her against me. "I'm serious, though. Let's go on a date. It'll be fun."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Mm, well... alright, I accept." I couldn't help but smile. This felt so normal as opposed to everything else I had been doing in my life. There was a relief in that being the case. Maybe getting into a normal relationship, without the constant substance abuse and general sluttiness that had consumed nearly a decade of my life, would be good for me. I was going to need some real ones around me in case things went sour with Dia and Mari.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Not that they could get much worse, anyway.</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
</div><div>
  <p>After our week on the ocean, we returned to land. I barely gave myself time to put my luggage back in my room before I was off to Dia's house. Running as fast as I could, I refused to slow down until I got there. I needed to apologize, and I needed to do it now. My lungs weren't at the same high capacity as they used to, for obvious reasons, but I could still run 'em down pretty well, and it didn't take me long to reach the Kurosawa residence.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I knocked on the door, taking a moment to catch my breath. My hands were on my knees, but I quickly stood at attention when I heard the door open. I didn't want Dia to think that I was getting worn down in my old age. However, it wasn't Dia that I had to worry about. Ruby was standing there, her eyes narrowed. She had grown a lot since she was in middle school. The twintails were gone, as were the little chubby cheeks she used to have. In fact, with her hair down and the glare she was shooting me, she could've been a dead ringer for Dia. If Dia had crashed into the ketchup aisle, anyway.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Ruby didn't say anything: not hi, or a surprised exclamation, or even a 'What are you doing here?' Instead, she straight up slapped me across the face. It didn't even hurt - the Kurosawas weren't known for their arm strength - but I recoiled all the same, more out of surprise than anything. I just stared wide-eyed at her, barely recognizing the woman standing there before me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Go home, Kanan." She didn't tell me why I had to leave, but she obviously didn't have to. We both knew what the score was. She started to close the door, but I couldn't leave yet. Making a classic dumb decision, I shoved my foot forward to keep the door from closing. It didn't stop her from trying to follow through, however, and the door smashed right into my foot.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Ffffff-aaaaa!!!" I leaned forward against the door, lights blinking in my vision as pain ran rampant throughout my foot. Suddenly, the door opened completely and I fell forward. Hitting the floor, I immediately curled up into a ball, grabbing my foot while blinking tears out of my eyes. God, that hurt like a bitch! Was it broken? I couldn't tell through all the <em>searing pain</em>.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"A-Are you okay?!" Ruby's voice, deeper than it was back in the day, rose several octaves as she checked on me. Even though she was mad at me, she still felt compelled to fall into a panic at the sight of me writhing in pain. It was sweet.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yup. Fine. Fine." I moaned out the words through gritted teeth, feeling nothing but terrible, immediate pain. The door closed, and Ruby thankfully allowed me to lie there while I waited for the pain to go down. She offered to help me to the couch, but I told her the floor was fine. I shut my eyes tight and tried to somehow will the pain away from my foot. It didn't work, because overcoming pain through mental fortitude was bullshit.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Eventually it got down to a dull throbbing, and I tried getting back on my feet. I couldn't put all my weight down on my foot, and I had to lean against the wall for support. That was good enough for me to make my case to Ruby about why I needed to see her sister. When I turned, I realized I didn't need to bother: Dia was standing right there, hands on her hips and frowning at me. She and Ruby really looked alike now.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey Dia. What's... What shakin', bacon?" I felt like I had been transported back to the beginning of high school, with Dia berating me for slacking off. Her angry stare had scared me back then, and I could feel it again in that moment. She had a way of making people feel like they were being put on trial, but I had to remember that was fair for her to do.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What are you doing here, Kanan?" Ah, straight to the point as usual. I couldn't really blame her.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I, uh... I came here to apologize." The Kurosawa sisters stared at me. Clearly, neither of them believed me. "Uh, Ruby, is it alright if I talk to Dia alone?" It felt awkward trying to do this with her around, no offense. She didn't seem to want to go, looking up at Dia with worry. However, Dia just nodded, so Ruby walked away with one last glare in my direction. Man, making an enemy of Ruby... I might have a record or something.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Let's go to my room." I just nodded and hobbled after her to her room. On the way there, I was struck by the realization of how little things had changed, despite how much they had changed. Except for Chika and myself, everybody had left this quaint town for greener pastures. However, we all seemed to end up coming back here, staying in our childhood bedrooms despite being well into adulthood. I never thought of it before, but I suppose it made sense. When the rest of the old gang came to visit, where else were you going to get free rent than at your folks' place?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I was happy to collapse onto Dia's bed, if only to let my poor foot rest some more. She sat down next to me, waiting for me to start with my apology. I took a moment to lay face down, preparing myself for what I needed to say.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay, so, I know I messed up big time. I've messed up a lot in my life, but this was... it was a lot." I laughed, slowly sitting up so I could face her. It was easier to apologize when I didn't have to look in her eyes, but I knew it wouldn't ring true if she couldn't see that I was being genuine. "I'm not going to tell your fiancé about what happened. It was unfair of me to think of doing that just because I thought you and Mari would be better together." They would be, but again, not my decision to make.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"And I'm sorry for so much more than that. I'm sorry for pushing Mari to leave in the first place. I'm sorry for taking your virginity when you were so vulnerable. I knew how much that meant to you, and I just... wasn't thinking." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, finding it increasingly more difficult to look at her. "And I'm sorry for being a terrible friend all this time, just taking taking taking and never giving anything back. I've done everything so wrong, thinking I knew what was right for everyone else. I just... want to try to make <em>something </em>right for once in my life."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I was expecting the silence that followed. Dia was looking at me, her eyes wide but nothing else indicated to me what she was thinking. There was a knot in my stomach, tying itself tighter with each second that passed. If one of us didn't say something, I was probably going to throw up all over her. That would have been a terrible way to finish off an apology.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I was wondering if you would apologize." When she spoke, the knot untied itself just a little. I was still on the edge of the bed, though. "I learned that you mean well, but how you go about it is... less than desirable." It looked like she was thinking through a lot of things, and I could only imagine which parts of our past she was focusing on. "I suppose I should have told you before that you needed to stop, but I couldn't. Sometimes, it felt like all I had was you, and if I let you go, I'd have nothing left. The two years we spent not communicating were... difficult for me." She was being careful with her emotions, but I could tell she was feeling them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, no kidding." I laughed, and letting that out made me start to cry. The tears just started coming, and I couldn't stop them. When was the last time I had even cried like this? "I knew I had fucked up. I knew it right away. It was because of that that I couldn't talk to you. What could I say? That I was sorry? Of course I was sorry, but that wouldn't change shit. That was something I couldn't fix, no matter how badly I wanted to. Maybe I felt it was better if you kept away from me. That way, I couldn't hurt you again."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That's so typical of you. Always thinking you know what's best for me." Dia was crying now, and I felt a familiar sting in my heart. I thought of us as kids, when I'd try to keep her from crying when something wouldn't go according to plan. It was a protective feeling that I'd tried to push way down, but it came exploding back up to the surface. Without thinking about it, or asking her if it was okay, I pulled her into the tightest hug I could manage.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up everything. I don't know if you can ever forgive me, but I just want you to believe me. Everything was messed up 'cause of me, and I just... I just... I want it to be okay." I ended with a whimper, crying harder than I had in maybe seven or eight years. It was brutal, and my chest hurt from the open display of emotion. Dia's poor shirt was getting soaked, but I would soon realize that mine was too.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I want it to be okay too. Do you think I liked not getting to talk to my best friend for two years? Do you think I like how awkward it is every time we see each other? I try to pretend it's okay, but I know it's not. Every time I see you, all I can think of is what you did to me, to us." She didn't elaborate on 'us', but I could tell she meant more than just us two. "But I don't think I could live my life without you. You're such an important part of who I am, Kanan. I... I accept your apology. I don't think I can forgive you yet, but I accept, and I want things to be okay between us."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>We pulled away from each other, wiping at our tears and laughing despite it all. I mean, we looked like a right mess, but we were a mess together. That wasn't so bad, if I thought about it like that. "That's okay. I... I know that it'll be tough for you to truly forgive me, but I want to try and repair our relationship. You're too important to me to let you go."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>We shared another hug, and I felt compelled to keep babbling on. I told her how I had realized things on that intervention boat trip, and how I was going to change the way I approached people. I listed everything I planned to do out to her, as if I needed to say it out loud to make it real. To be fair, if anyone would understand that, it would be Dia, who always had notebooks filled with each thing she was going to do that day.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>In the end, I wasn't forgiven, but my apology was accepted. We spent time just lying on her bed together, talking about the old days and everything I was trying to come to terms with. It felt nice, but more than that, it felt normal. We'd been friends, we'd had conversations, but I don't think it had ever been like this since middle school. Ever since I made Mari leave, things had always been uncomfortable between Dia and I. We would stay friends, and we would make nice, but we both knew it wasn't as easy as it used to be. Feeling how easy it was to talk to her now made me start crying again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"So, who's next on your apology tour?" I almost didn't believe those words came from Dia's mouth. She never made jokes, but that one was just so perfect that I laughed again. I laughed until my sides hurt and I fell off the bed. Not even bothering to get back up, I just answered her from my current position.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I suppose I need to apologize to Mari." Saying it out loud made me visibly cringe. At least with Dia, we had a longer history to hold us together. I was directly at fault for everything that may have happened in Mari's life. If Dia wasn't willing to forgive me yet, then Mari certainly wouldn't. Knowing that, I just wanted to crawl under Dia's bed and hide for a few years, but I knew I needed to do it. She deserved to hear the truth from me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That should be amusing. I don't think she's said anything nice about you since we reconnected." I pulled myself back up, pouting at Dia.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"For real? Nothing? Nothing at all?!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, she said your tits were nice, but that your bust size was larger than your IQ."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"... So she likes my tits, huh?"</p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
</div><div>
  <p>I hadn't been super nervous when I went over to Dia's, probably because I had been running the entire time. Mari's hotel was far enough way that I needed to take my truck, and that gave me the entire drive to think about what was going to happen. I was feeling sick with nerves, easily convincing myself that things were going to go badly. What was I even doing? I hadn't talked to Mari in over <em>ten years! </em>How could I just waltz into the Ohara Hotel and even seek an audience with her?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Man, ten years. Had it really been that long? Was I really in my late twenties and just now apologizing for all the garbage things I had said and done? Man... I should've been forced onto a boat and made to participate in an intervention years ago. Imagine how much different my life would be. I could at least have salvaged my friendship with Dia sooner.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Ah, what was the point of dwelling on the past? Besides the fact that there was comfort in that sadness. I didn't want that comfort anymore, though. I wanted to be uncomfortable- Wait, uh, no... Ah, this metaphor is stupid. I just want to apologize. That's what I want to do. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I went into the hotel and up to the front desk, asking where Mari's room was. It had been so long, I couldn't be sure she was staying in the same room. They weren't just going to let me go up with no questions asked, though. I told them I was an old friend, but they insisted on ringing her up to confirm. In a panic, I told them that my name was Hanamaru, thinking that saying who I really was would get me rejected before I could get my foot in the door. Then again, my foot could only stand getting into so many doors.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Since Mari didn't have to hear my voice, I was given her room number. That was so relieving, but I remained calm until I was in the safety of the elevator. Then I collapsed when the doors closed, wiping the nervous sweat from my forehead. I really didn't need any more close calls like that. This was already nerve-wracking enough.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The elevator dinged, and I was greeted with the top floor. Mari's penthouse suite was up ahead, in the same location it had always been. It appeared that for anyone who touched base in this town, things stayed the same no matter how much we tried to break away. There was a perverted comfort in that. I walked out of the elevator, standing there and trying to gather my bearings. The elevator doors closed behind me, leaving me for another floor.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Okay, I could do this. I apologized to Dia, and it had only made me cry my eyes out and drained me of all my stamina for two full days. This was gonna be a piece of cake. That's what I told myself as I walked down the hall to Mari's room. It was all a ruse cruise, though. This was going to be even harder, and running back to the elevator seemed mighty appealing. Instead, I forced myself to keep walking.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Had there ever been a more imposing door in the history of doors? It loomed large over me, as if waiting to open and swallow me up. I took a deep breath, then several more as I continued to try and psyche myself up. All I had to do was knock, but that was easier said than done. The woman that I had hurt was behind that door. The catalyst for everything wrong in my life was waiting for me, and I felt too cowardly to face it.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I think I stood outside the door for a solid minute before actually knocking on it. "Come in!" Slowly I opened the door, peering into the room. I could see the balcony, but not Mari. Shaking my head, I opened the door the rest of the way and stepped in before I could get cold feet. Mari was sitting on her bed, dressed resplendently in a deep purple dress and pearls around her neck and wrists. The moment she saw me, her face fell. "You look quite different, Hanamaru."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, well, puberty..." I laughed at my own joke. She did not. I was immediately sweating, rubbing at the back of my neck. At least she couldn't kick me out now that I was there. Unless she called security... "Mari, can we talk?" I watched her face, looking for any hint of a reconcilitory expression. There was none: she was just staring at me, eyes narrowed. Then she stood up, walking purposefully towards me. Before I realized what was happening, she had reared her arm back and slapped me across the face. "Ow ow ow! Again?!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>"Cagna! Come osi vivere ancora?! Stronzo ignorante ed egocentrico! Che cazzo pensi di fare qui?!"</em> She hit me with so much Italian, I felt like I was being assaulted by a basket of Olive Garden breadsticks. There was fire in her eyes, and I felt myself burning within it. I didn't even know how to respond to that, mostly because I didn't speak a lick of Italian.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Mari, before you slap me again, I want to apologize!" I cradled my cheek, ducking and backing up to try and escape her slapping range. "I know I messed up, okay? I understand now that I've been selfish thinking I know what's best for everyone, and that all started when I pushed you to seek better education elsewhere. I've been speaking with Dia, and-"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"<em>Don't </em>speak about Dia to me! You know <em>nothing </em>about her!" She advanced on me again, so I kept backing up, feeling the fighting aura around her. "You <em>ruined </em>us, you made her push me away, and you hurt her more than you could <em>ever </em>understand. You hurt <em>me </em>more than you could ever understand! Don't you <em>dare </em>come into <em>my </em>hotel and tell me you've changed. I know better, <em>piccola puttana</em>." Okay, that definitely sounded like an insult</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey, come on, I'm trying to apologize..." I could feel myself getting heated, but I knew that wouldn't lead to anywhere good. That was the <em>opposite </em>of what I was trying to do there. "You have every right to be angry. Dia was too, but she accepted my apology. I just want the chance to do the same to you." I left out the fact that Dia hadn't forgiven me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Okay, fine. Apologize to me. Regale me with your tale of woe, <em>[darlin']</em>." She sat back down on her bed, arms crossed and glaring right through my soul. There were waves of hostility rolling off her, and I thought they might drown me right then and there. I tugged on my t-shirt, struggling to get my words out. Dia was an intimidating presence: Mari had always been the more low-key part of our group emotionally. This was a new Mari: one who wasn't about to give me an inch.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Well, I mean, I apologize, obviously. I was a jerk back in high school, and I did what I thought was best for everyone. I thought that you were wasting your time here, and that if you didn't leave, you would be stuck here like the rest of us. I know it was wrong, though. Only you could make that decision, not me. And the whole thing with you and Dia, and her fiancé... It's not my business to pry into it, and I'm sorry I tried to tell her fiancé about it."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Took you long enough to realize it. <em>Ten. Years..." </em>She uncrossed her arms and let them rest at her sides, her hands curled into fists. "We haven't spoken in <em>ten years</em>, Kanan. You know what? Good on you for apologizing. It's been a long time coming. I'm glad you're finally realizing that you're not this perfect, all-knowing woman that you always pretended to be. I hope it makes you feel better, but I'm not accepting it."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I... understand..." My first instinct was to slug her. She had slapped me, after all, so it only seemed fair. Luckily, I realized what a terrible idea that was before I actually committed to it. That would have solved nothing, no matter how cathartic it may have been to get into a dust-up with Mari in her bedroom. Besides, I knew that I couldn't demand her forgiveness. You, Chika, and Yoshiko had drilled that particular point into my brain multiple times.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hmph, that's a first." Sighing, Mari finally looked away from me. "I appreciate the apology, Kanan. I really do, but... I don't think I can ever accept it. We haven't spoken in so long, and I don't even recognize the woman standing in front of me. If Dia accepts, then that's fine. She's her own woman, and she can do what she wants." Something flashed in her eyes, but she quickly chased it away. "I think you should leave."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You don't want her to marry him, do you?" I had a feeling that I knew what that flash had been in her eyes. I probably wouldn't have another chance to say it, so I decided to go for it. "You know that she's gay, and that she isn't going to be happy with him."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Of course I know that." Mari sighed again, deeper this time. She stood up, refusing to look at me as she went over to the window. "I know exactly who Dia is. We've talked about it. She has to marry him, and she has to sire him a child in order to fulfill her family's wishes." She shuddered at the mention of Dia getting pregnant, and I'll admit I could feel a strange chill going through me. Something about that just didn't seem right. "If things were different, we'd be the ones getting married. I suppose I can't blame you for that." She turned back to me, tears in her eyes as she smiled. "Even if I hadn't moved, she still wouldn't have gone against her parents' wishes."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, I suppose so." There were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell Mari that she would be better for Dia, and that she should run over there right now and ask for her hand in marriage. Something in my brain said that Dia would break off her engagement and run away with Mari when push came to shove. However, I bit my tongue, knowing that saying that would be doing the same thing I had always been doing: the kind of thing that had gotten me in trouble. "Dia does care for you."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I know she does." For the first time since I barged in, I could see a smile on Mari's face. Then she sighed wearily, as if the whole world was on her shoulders. "I know what we're doing is wrong. Dia does too, but we can't stay away from each other. If I thought it was for the best, I would go over there right now, sweep her off her feet, and we'd start a new life together in Italy. I know she'd be happy there... but she wouldn't be happy with what she left behind, especially Ruby. She would never leave her little sister behind."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"True. The two of them are real close." The Kurosawa sisters were an interesting team. I remember when Dia wanted <em>nothing </em>to do with Ruby. Ruby was always such a little crybaby, and she tried to follow us around despite Dia having nothing but contempt for her. By the time Dia reached middle school, however, the two of them were like best friends. I think it was the idol thing the two of them were into. She was real deep into that for years. She even tried to get us to start an idol group, but I can't dance worth a lick and Mari thinks idol music is baby shit. I wonder if she still feels that way.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I don't think I'll ever understand her position, because I don't have to worry about it. Yeah, my mom bitches about me lezzing out and not getting preggo, but my dad's super cool about it. Dia's not me, though. She's so rooted in tradition that I don't think anyone could break her from it. I know I have her, but I only have so much of her, and I have to be okay with that." The sadness in her voice made it very clear that she wasn't okay with it. "And that's that."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Mari, I'm sorry..." And I really was. In that moment, it didn't feel like we were so far apart. It was like we were still friends, talking about our ballast in human form. Then I was jolted back into reality, with the woman I had pushed away and didn't even bother to text, talking about my friend whom I had never truly helped, and it all seemed so far away. It really <em>was </em>all my fault.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm going back to Italy after the wedding. I've already got a ticket for the next morning. I... just need some time to myself." She seemed defeated, and now a new instinct hit me: I wanted to hug her. Just like with my previous, more violent instincts, I held back, standing there like a useless buffoon. "I know I'll come back, because I can't live without at least <em>some </em>contact with my precious bella. I just... This town doesn't hold much for me anymore."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I felt horrible: truly, truly horrible. I couldn't help but feel that I had been the catalyst for all of this. If I hadn't been so pushy about her seeking better opportunities, she could've been happy here. Maybe she was right, and Dia would still be on the path she was now, but we'd never know now. It was my fault, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't go back in time and fix my mistakes. Tears were filling my vision as I surged forward, breaking through my own hesitation and wrapping her up in a big hug.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I'm so sorry, Mari. I'm so, so sorry. I should have never made you leave. Everything fell apart when you did, and it's all my fault." All I could do was cry and hug her. My mind was a complete mess, which wasn't an unusual occurrence. It's just that I had never felt so regretful in my life. Even when those events happened, I felt buoyed by the fact that I was sure I was right. Now I knew I was wrong, and the regret was all-consuming.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I know..." She hugged me back, but didn't say anything more. We just hugged each other, with me crying like a baby and her... well, I don't know how she was feeling. I wished she would say something, but I'm not sure I'd like what she had to say. As it turned out, I was right to think that. "You broke my heart, Kanan, in a way that can never truly be fixed. It will always be broken, and I really do wish I could tell you otherwise."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah..." Somehow I knew that was coming. I wanted her forgiveness so bad, like it would somehow lead us to a return to how things used to be. That couldn't happen, though. Things would never be the same, and I knew that. I couldn't expect something like that, especially after what I had done to lead things to where they were now.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan, I need some time to myself. I'm... Look, I'm still mad at you, but I'm not going to yell at you. You're sorry, and that's fine. I'm sorry too, that it had to come to this. If you want to come back some time before I leave, I'll hear you out again. I won't promise you anything, though." She pulled away from me, and I let her go. All I could do was nod and slink away with my tail between my legs.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I had been overwhelmed with emotion while in her hotel room. The moment I was in the hall, however, I felt numb. I couldn't even feel my footsteps as I headed for the elevator. All the sadness, regret, and grief I had were trapped somewhere within my body, banging on a wall but being unable to break free. The best way I could describe it is like... like I wasn't even a person. I was just an empty shell, programmed to continue moving despite having no will to do so.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The numbness followed me down the elevator and out of the hotel. I wasn't sure if I passed anyone: for all I knew, the entire hotel was deserted except for me. It wasn't until I reached my truck that everything hit me like a... well, you know. I had been reaching for my keys, but I couldn't feel my fingertips, and they just fell to the ground. Soon I was down there with them, hit with so many emotions that I was a crying wreck all over again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I think my body was trying to let out all the emotions I'd tried to repress for the last decade. I cried for ruining the friendship Dia, Mari, and I had. I cried for the years I spent stuck at the family business, watching my friends leave without doing anything meaningful in return. I cried for how I had messed everything up again, to the point where Dia and Mari couldn't forgive me. I cried for all the substances I used to try and avoid my mistakes, and the fact that I had been seconds from ending it all before Dia had inadvertently saved me. There's no forgiving the dead.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I'm not sure how long I sat there crying: enough to where I forgot my surroundings and needed a moment to remember. This is gonna be surprising, but I actually made a smart decision then. Kind of. Even when I stopped crying, my eyes were still filled with tears. I knew I was too emotionally compromised to be driving, so when I stood up, I pocketed my keys and hopped into the back of my truck. Rather than risking it by driving home, I just... laid in the back of my truck until I eventually fell asleep.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The ringing of my phone woke me up. It was vibrating in my jeans, and I struggled to get it out. I was able to answer right before it went to voicemail. "H'lo?" My voice was groggy with sleep, and I didn't think to look at my phone to check how long I had been out.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanan? Were you sleeping? It's the middle of the afternoon." Ah, You. I should have known. I <em>would </em>have known, if I had looked at the caller ID. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kinda," I murmured, feeling sleep trying to tug me back down. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to sleep for awhile longer. "I'm in the back of my truck right now, in the Ohara Hotel parking garage." I figured she'd want to know that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What the hell? Uh, okay, wait there. I'm coming to get you." She hung up, assumedly to get in her own car and haul ass down here. I hoped she wouldn't get into a wreck because of me. I was enough of a wreck as it was.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I wasn't going to wait for her to show up, though. Instead, I just fell asleep again. This time, I stayed asleep until I felt someone shaking me. When I opened my eyes, You was sitting next to me, concern written all over her face. Rather than addressing any of those concerns, I moved over and slapped the bed of my truck. Rolling her eyes, You laid down next to me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Neither of us spoke for a good while, and maybe neither of us needed to. I felt comfortable in the silence, using it to gather my thoughts from the nooks and crannies they had been thrown into. You seemed to recognize that too, and she just relaxed next to me until I decided to say something. How come it took me this wrong to realize how wonderful my friends were?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Mari didn't accept my apology. Dia did, but she doesn't forgive me. I suppose I couldn't expect anything more." I wondered if there was anything I could do to earn their forgiveness. Would I be okay if they never did? Honestly, I can't say I would be. Knowing that they were out there loathing my existence would eat away at me for the rest of my life.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I had a feeling that would happen. Well, I kinda expected Dia would forgive you, but I'm sure Mari's still hella pissed at you." You chuckled, though it wasn't a serious laugh. I thought about laughing with her, but the sound wouldn't bubble to the surface. "But, it doesn't mean they don't want you in their lives. After everything that's happened, they just need more time."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah..." How much time, though? Could I wait years for things to get better, if they did at all? I couldn't make them forgive me, though. Trying to get them on my pace would just prove I wasn't making any changes to myself. I would still be the same old Kanan who tried to make people do things that I wanted them to. Even if it hurt, and it would, I had to let them adjust at their own pace. "Ugh, this sucks so bad. Why am I such a fuck-up?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"We've all fucked up at one point or another. I think this town gives us brain rot." You laughed again, and while I couldn't laugh with her, I appreciated the brevity. "Remember all the stupid shit you, Chika, and I would get up to back in the day? I think we'd all be saner people if we grew up in Tokyo. Huh, maybe that's why she didn't fit in..." She was musing about something, and I just let her do it. She was back pretty quickly. "Ah well, some of us can't hack it here, you know?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I've lived here my entire life, and I can't hack it." This wasn't the first time I had considered moving. It was a thought that came up from time to time, but I never committed to it. Everything was just too comfortable for me to leave it all behind. I was scared of heading into something new, so I let myself fall back into the sad comforts of my life. "Maybe I need to move."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Honestly? It's not a bad idea. I felt a lot of relief getting out of here, but I dunno if you wanna be a ship captain." Well, I knew how to drive boats. I could drive my grandpa's boat out to let people dive off of it, but I'd never driven it too far out. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if that old thing would make it. "I just think it'd be good for you. You've been stuck here for so long, and I do think you'll feel some freedom being in Tokyo or something."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's not a bad idea... Yeah, honestly? Yeah, I need to. I need to get out of here. I need to do something with my life. Maybe I ought to go to school. Or I could become the next Jacques Cousteau or something." I had wanted to say that I couldn't, because the thought of putting myself out there scared me more than I could admit. However, it suddenly hit me how terrible that idea was. Why couldn't I get out of here? What was left for me here besides mistakes and broken memories? I could start anew somewhere else, and maybe I could actually strengthen the ties I had with everyone I used to. Things could be better, right?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, dream big, baby. You only live once." She was right. Yeah, it was easy to dwell on how I had wasted a quarter of my life, at <em>least</em>, but I didn't have to <em>keep </em>wasting it. There were still plenty of years left, and I could do whatever I wanted with them. I sat up for the first time in... I picked up my phone to check: two hours. Damn, it had been two hours? "You ready to get out of here, Kanan?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Mm. I've got some shit to think about." We jumped out of my truck bed and went around to share a hug. Then we got in our cars and drove away. I tried my best to focus on the road, but I really did have a lot to think about.  </p>
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  <hr/>
  <p>It was a familiar scene to me. I was standing up to my knees in the ocean, cradling my grandfather's gun in my hands. This time I decided to wear my bikini instead of a regular outfit: it just seemed sensible. I looked out across the ocean, seeing the sun setting beneath the horizon. It was so pretty, with the oranges and purples diving into the dark blue. This was as picturesque a suicide as there ever was.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Here's the thing: I wasn't even feeling suicidal. For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful. It had been tough as all hell, but I finally felt as if my life was going somewhere. I was looking for jobs in the city, and already planning on renting a cheap apartment out there. As much as I loved my family, I needed space from this drag town that I had called home for far too long.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Now, if I wasn't feeling suicidal, then why was I standing knee-deep in the ocean with a gun in my hand? It felt right, for some reason. Well, not <em>right</em>, exactly... How do I put this? It felt like a fitting end, in a way. I needed to be there, to see if I really was going to go through with this whole 'life change' thing. If I could stand there, gun in hand, and not pull the trigger, it felt like I would be committed to getting out of here. If I did blow my brains out, then... well, I guess it wouldn't matter much, would it?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Leaving behind this town probably meant leaving behind my suicidal ideations. They were so intrinsically tied to this place that it almost felt sacrilegious to think of jumping off a building elsewhere. If any place deserved my corpse, it would be here. I looked down at the water, watching the tiny ripples lapping at my knees. No matter what, I would definitely miss the water. It was a part of me. The entire town was a part of me, no matter how many times I wished it wasn't.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I lifted up the gun and stuck the barrel in my mouth, tasting the cool steel touching my tongue. It was an uncomfortable familiarity, one I knew was a negative. I was pretty sure that those of us who have stared down such a situation didn't think it was the best, most awesome thing there ever was. It's sad, and it's terrifying, but it's real. It almost felt <em>wrong </em>to let it go, despite how bad it was.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Slowly I pulled the barrel from my mouth, looking down at the instrument of my desires. Maybe... Maybe this wasn't my desire anymore. It would probably always be there, twitching in the back of my mind, but I didn't need to let it control me. I was stronger than this disease, wasn't I? Maybe... It didn't matter, though. I didn't want to do it today, and that's all that mattered.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>With the gun at my side, I started high-stepping back to shore. It was time for me to finally, after all these years, move on to the next part of my life. I had more shit to pack, more apartments to look at, and a date with Yoshiko to go on. I wondered what she would say when I told her I planned on moving, and right as we were having our first date. Would she be mad, or would she consider moving in with me? Maybe I could actually see all the freaky shit she did with her followers.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>When I reached the shore, with my feet still submerged, I turned around and took one last look at the ocean. It wasn't the end, of course. I wasn't moving immediately, and there would be plenty of opportunities to be around the place I felt most comfortable. Still, something about that moment felt final. I wasn't going to be standing there thinking of offing myself, and that was when we were truly connected. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There was a fond smile on my face as I left the water, turning away to head home. This felt like the way it all should end. All of my mistakes came because I tried to make others do things on my terms. This time, whether I chose to end my life or start a new one, <em>I</em> was the one doing it on my terms. This was about me this time, rather than anyone else. And honestly? That was the way it should be.</p>
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